[Written on the loss the other day of a friend and fellow paramedic, one that I always admired. And the day after writing it, I learned of the death of another friend and former colleague, a retired captain with the 3rd Battalion Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry in the Canadian Armed Forces. Manner of death for both men was the same and all too tragic.]

We are strong.

I have never met a medic that wasn’t tough. Even if, like me, they start out a little soft, they eventually grow a thick skin, become a little edgier, start to see the humour in the darkness. They wouldn’t last 10, 20, 30 or more years if they didn’t build their character, stifle their humanity, grow scar tissue around their heart and soul.

But for some, the darkness becomes too real, too vivid, too inescapable. The pain runs too deep. The light moves too far away, recedes into crevices. When they reach for it, it’s gone, and in its place, they find the coldness of a murky cave—dark, dank, fetid, and full of horrors from which they cannot escape.

Like most of you, my colleagues in emergency services, I have seen the darkness, smelled the reek of the beast as it breathed down my back, on a call, or more often, afterwards, with my partner, or in the stillness of the solitude that follows, when we recede into ourselves and replay the horror of the movie we have witnessed; not just witnessed, but acted in as a lead player; not to applause, but with great noise–or worse, to silence.

If we are lucky, we have someone in our lives that understands this, who builds us up. I do, and I hope you do, too. But if for a single moment you think that you don’t, if you feel that you are alone, that there is no hope, that the end is now and so deliciously appealing, know that you are wrong.

You have us. You have your fellow paramedics, police officers, firefighters, soldiers, dispatchers, nurses, doctors. You can turn to them, turn to us, because they know. We know. We, too, have wrestled with the beast.

Reach for your colleagues before you reach for the final solution. We want to help and it hurts so much when we can’t. Give us a chance to help you and know that my pledge to all of you, always, is #ivegotyourback.